WILLIAM ARTHUR HOLMES


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A random sample of dialogue from my work

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"You know she's just playing you, right?"
"Don't worry about me. I'm a big boy. But, what does she have to gain by 'playing' me?"
"Money, favors, steal your wallet; whatever. But, why did you hire her?"
"I guess she's my security blanket."

-- Last Train Out


"Do they give you flashbacks to the war, or something?"
"What war?"
"I don't know, the war. There's always a war."

-- Last Train Out


"I told you she was playing you!"
"Oh, honey, women have been 'playing' your father his entire life."

-- Last Train Out


"What's to stop me from shooting you and dumping your body in the lake?"
"Oh, I don't know. Civility? Common decency?"

-- Another Way


"This section of the Milky Way was originally designed as a negative counterbalance to the galaxy's otherwise positive nature. A cosmic septic tank, if you will. That's why it's so hard to get anything done around here. It's like slogging through knee-deep sewer mud! Only those with the best hip-waders make any real progress."

-- Another Way


"You mean the manager I put in the hospital 'cuz he wouldn't stop hitting on you even though I asked him real nice? Yeah, I remember him."

-- Another Way


"How is it even possible for two people to have the same dream at the same time... unless it wasn't a dream?"

-- Another Way


"It's a very mild psychotropic."

-- Operation Detour


"He is going to want to have sex with you."
"Who doesn't?"

-- Operation Detour


"Oh-oh here she comes. Watch out boy, she'll blow you up!"

-- Operation Detour


"Am I in the middle of a bad dream or something?"

-- Operation Detour


"To protect legitimate U.S. companies, I would enforce tariffs on foreign-made goods, including those made by supposedly American companies who are in fact American in name only. We need manufacturing in this country and citizens who can afford to buy their products!"

-- Lottery President


"I hate guns, but as long as the technology exists, I intend to own and know how to use one to defend myself if necessary. And trust me, lately it's been necessary."

-- Lottery President


"Toby and I had sex on your couch. He left. I stayed, so I crashed in your bed." Looking down at his notepad, he added "new couch" to the list of things to buy.

-- Lottery President


"In this very hypothetical context, you would be President of the United States. You're allowed to tell people what to do."
"No, he can tell his staff what to do. He can tell his generals what to do. He can't tell the American people what to do. He works for them, not vice versa!"

-- Lottery President


The Lazy Pug Cafe -- As recently as a few months ago, the Lazy Pug Café was nothing more than a dilapidated old two-story farmhouse. Set back just forty yards from the road – closer than most out in the country – it had a beautiful old weeping willow in front and a massive ancient oak tree out back. Abandoned years ago, the old estate's only purpose lately had been to serve as a sad but charming reminder of days gone by. Locals witnessing its resurrection these past few months were grateful someone was finally bringing the "old girl" back to life. William Arthur Holmes