WILLIAM ARTHUR HOLMES (contact me here)

Alex

Alex: "Do I look like a shoplifter?"
Employee: "Kinda. Yeah."

Alex: "There are an awful lot of monkeys around here."

Alex: "I don't normally harass complete strangers, let alone pour my heart out to them. I'm probably still in shock. Not responsible for my actions, and all that."

Alex: "Do you fly to Malaysia?"
Ticket Agent: "No, but Malaysian Air at the next window does."

Alex: "From now on, call me Alex... no... Axel. Yeah, Axel McLean. I like the sound of that. How about Axel Winchester McLean? Ooh, good one."
Random Stranger: "You sound like a car wash for heavy machinery."

Alex: "These guys would crap their pants if they had an actual terrorist to deal with."

Alex: "Kuala Lumpur!? Are there a lot of koala bears?"

Alex: "You look different somehow. New haircut? Gain weight?"

Alex: "Am I in the middle of a bad dream or something?"

Benny: "Oh-oh here she comes. Watch out boy, she'll blow you up!"

Alex: "I try to be cool. I now know something about being an outsider. Nothing like what s/he must feel, but I can commiserate."

Alex: "So we blow them up? How does that help?"

Alex: "I was fired today. But wait, there's more! Coming home early, I caught my girlfriend and now-former best friend cheating on me... and filming it... in my bed. Turns out, they've been doing this for a while. Yeah."

Alex: "Life! It's a smorgasbord! It's all there for the taking!"

Alex: "Wanna see something?"
Riva: "Not especially, no."

"Who are you? What is this all about?"
"I've been asking that myself, actually. I can tell you one thing: The people making me do this are not anyone you want to mess with."

Alex: "I wave goodbye. He flips me off. I nod and smile. It's good to make friends, meet new people."

Alex: "You're going to shoot me now!?"
Riva: "It would make things a lot easier."
Alex: "It was not a suggestion!"

Alex: "So, who are you with? CIA? NSA?"
Riva: "You think you rate a visit from one of them?"
Alex: "IRS? TSA? NBA?"

Alex: "He drops out of line altogether to get away from me. Chicken. He is walking very fast, looking over his shoulder. Now he is running. And now he is being tackled by security guards. Poor guy."

Alex: "What? You don't like umbrella drinks?"

Alex: "My girlfriends are always female."

Alex: "I've been told a toilet flushes in the opposite direction in Australia. My life can go down the drain in the opposite direction!"

Alex: "If I seem flippant, that's just how I cope. You either laugh or you cry. You apparently start referring to yourself in the second person, too."

Ludwig: "Violence, terrorism, chaos, mayhem. It's what we do! Of course, officially, we 'protect' our clients and count entire countries among our clientele."
Alex: "The old protection racket!"
Ludwig: "Yes, but more sophisticated. We are world leaders!"
Alex: "That might explain what's wrong with the world."

Riva: "Have you ever wondered why you were chosen for this? Have you ever asked yourself, 'Why me?'"
Alex: "No. I'm not the type. I just figured sh*t happens. Just having a run of bad luck. Funny."

Alex: "I'm a trusting person. I just took my doctor's word for it."

Alex: "Luckily, she doesn't care that I'm using one name to have my prescription filled, and an entirely different one to pick it up."