Show Host: "What uniquely qualifies you to be our next president?"
Benny: "I'm not a politician."
Show Host: "That's it? Your best qualification is that you're not a politician?"
Benny: "This country needs someone secure enough in his own mental stability to not be afraid of 'crazy' ideas. All the best ideas started out as 'crazy.'"
Show Host: "My father ran that household with an iron fist! And we never really knew our neighbors, never mind getting along with them! With him, it was 'my way or the highway!'"
Benny: "No wonder you grew up to be such an asshole."
Show Host: "Comparative religion!?"
Benny: "People need to understand where others are coming from."
Show Host: "How about animal husbandry?"
Benny: "Yes, thank you, kindness toward animals promotes kindness toward humans. I'll add that to the list."
Toby: "You're not much of a politician."
Benny: "Thanks! That's my best quality."
Benny: "Toby, my jackass brother, that's not a bad idea."
Benny: "No one is better than I, and I am better than no one."
Show Host: "Keats?"
Benny: "I don't know who said it first, but I always liked it."
Benny: "Instead of voting for the person they like best, they vote for the one they think they have to vote for so the other one doesn't win. The reason an otherwise good candidate has 'no chance' is because the media decided ahead of time they had no chance, and the uninformed, apathetic voters go along with it!"
Benny: "I want a roadocracy."
Show Host: "Huh?"
Benny: "Well, while we were out on the road driving down here today in my new campaign bus, it occurred to me everyone has to follow the same rules of the road. Nobody gets a wider, faster lane than is available to everyone else. Roadocracy."
Benny: "What is it about Dallas and assassinations? Is that what they do around here for fun? We should hire some bodyguards."
Benny: "I'm not especially smart. These other candidates just make me look good by comparison. Someone smarter than me would never run for president."
Benny: "To protect legitimate U.S. companies, I would enforce tariffs on foreign-made goods, including those made by companies that are American in name only. We need manufacturing in this country and citizens who can afford to buy their products!"
Benny: "Did you know that if corporations paid their fair share in taxes, actual humans wouldn't have to? No kidding! Run the numbers! That'll greatly improve the average Joe's personal economy."
Benny: "I don't know who's worse, Democrats or Republicans. They're two sides of the same coin, if you ask me. I don't subscribe to the left-right dichotomy promulgated by the mainstream corporate media. It's all part of their 'divide and conquer' mentality."
Benny: "I'll buy a new house. Already bought a new car. Oh yeah... and I'll be running for president."
Mayor: "President? Of what? Your homeowners association?"
Benny: "I'm against the pseudo-Communism practiced in the Soviet Union and China. That's totalitarianism. I'm against any system that gives anyone something for nothing. I want a democratic meritocracy."
Benny: "I believe in life and all of its possibilities. Organized religion is the most destructive crowd-control device ever invented. It's the Taser for the soul. Hey, another good one!"
Show Host: "What about terrorism?"
Benny: "Yes, religion is a form of terrorism."
Benny: "The main problem with this country is that it is run by politicians. They start out as lawyers, find that unfulfilling, and turn to politics. We need real people in positions of power, no more elites."
Show Host: "In this very hypothetical context, you would be President of the United States. You're allowed to tell people what to do."
Benny: "No, he can tell his staff what to do. He can tell his generals what to do. He can't tell the American people what to do. He works for them, not vice versa!"
Benny: "I hate guns, but as long as the technology exists, I intend to own and know how to use one to defend myself if necessary. And trust me, lately it's been necessary."
Benny: "Why do I suddenly feel like lunch, and we're it?"
Benny: "If products are made by workers earning less than a living wage, I won't allow those goods into the country. I will rescind NAFTA and all the 'free trade' agreements made by previous administrations. Such agreements only undermine the working man!"
Benny: "Overthrowing dictators, or any government, doesn't have to be done militarily."
Tricia: "You're not seriously suggesting we undo all the great work accomplished by many generations of businessmen, not to mention presidents, who've come before you? People who, I dare say, are much better than you."
Benny: "God, I hope so, if it means removing corruption and elitism and letting the average honest person have a chance to succeed without sucking up to those already in power!"