WILLIAM ARTHUR HOLMES


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A random sample of dialogue from my work (refresh the page for a new sample)

"What's with the gun?"
"Pokorny was babbling about rainbows and lollipops, and I thought I should have a gun in case I needed to shoot him."
-- Another Way
"I'd forgotten all about them. What are they doing up this way? Think they figured out where...?"
"Who knows? Just keep driving!"
-- Another Way
"Are you being held against your will, ma'am?"
-- Another Way
"You need to mate with Watson, that tall, very dark and handsome gentleman following you around."
-- Another Way
"We've been in town five minutes, and you've already got boys knocking on our door?"
-- Last Train Out
"Make him fall in love, silly."
"I am not a call girl!"
"You are whatever we need you to be."
-- Last Train Out
"Stay away from your father. He is a very bad man."
-- Last Train Out
"My father ran that household with an iron fist! And we never really knew our neighbors, never mind getting along with them! With him, it was 'my way or the highway!'"
"No wonder you grew up to be such an asshole."
-- Lottery President
"You've been appointed president of the United States!"
"Since when is the President of the United States an 'appointed' position?"
"Since 2000, at least."
-- Lottery President
"We'll put into place a series of sweetheart business deals that bleed the budgets dry and personally benefit me and several of my best friends..."
"Is this a joke?!? Are you people putting me on?"
-- Lottery President
"Instead of voting for the person they like best, they vote for the one they think they have to vote for so the other one doesn't win. The reason an otherwise good candidate has 'no chance' is because the media decided ahead of time they had no chance, and the uninformed, apathetic voters go along with it!"
-- Lottery President
"Comparative religion!?"
"People need to understand where others are coming from."
"How about animal husbandry?"
"Yes, thank you, kindness toward animals promotes kindness toward humans. I'll add that to the list."
-- Lottery President
"This country needs someone secure enough in his own mental stability to not be afraid of 'crazy' ideas. All the best ideas started out as 'crazy.'"
-- Lottery President
"He is going to want to have sex with you."
"Who doesn't?"
-- Operation Detour
"Revenge, as they say... Oh, who cares what they say."
-- Operation Detour
"Have you ever wondered why you were chosen for this? Have you ever asked yourself, 'Why me?'"
"No. I'm not the type. I just figured sh*t happens. Just having a run of bad luck. Funny."
-- Operation Detour
"Put some clothes on! Nobody wants to see that."
-- Operation Detour
"It's a temp agency. I'm a temp. They sent me here, on a temporary basis, to work."
-- Temporary Insanity
"I sold you a book!"
"Huh?"
"Dynametrics: The Metric Science of Human Dynamics."
-- Temporary Insanity
"How should I know? Do I look like I speak tree?"
-- The Lazy Pug Cafe

The Lazy Pug Cafe -- As recently as a few months ago, the Lazy Pug Café was nothing more than a dilapidated old two-story farmhouse. Set back just forty yards from the road – closer than most out in the country – it had a beautiful old weeping willow in front and a massive ancient oak tree out back. Abandoned years ago, the old estate's only purpose lately had been to serve as a sad but charming reminder of days gone by. Locals witnessing its resurrection these past few months were grateful someone was finally bringing the "old girl" back to life.