WILLIAM ARTHUR HOLMES


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A random sample of dialogue from my work (refresh the page for a new sample)

"Any society with sayings like 'Winning isn't everything, it's the only thing' and 'Nice guys finish last' is one screwed-up culture."
-- Another Way
"That's right, I'm a conspiracy theorist. Sure, some scoff at the mere thought of conspiracy, but ask any detective, lawyer or judge — if you can find an honest one — and they'll tell you conspiracies happen all the time. From petty theft all the way up to rigging elections and global conquest. Pinky and the Brain are not the only ones trying to take over the world!"
-- Another Way
"People have said I have authority issues, and I'm okay with that, though I'd argue it's more of a short-sighted-idiots-in-power issue. We should all have such issues!"
-- Another Way
"Most of us only listen to know-it-alls like me for confirmation of what we already know. It's the mystery of life, the lack of answers that keeps us going!"
-- Another Way
"Don't be scared when you feel you are about to die. You're not frightened when you wake up in the morning, are you? Pretty much the same thing. 'Life is but a dream!'"
-- Another Way
"This dark force has manifested... countless times; given names like Necuratu, Beelzebub, Satan, The Dark Prince, The Adversary and, last but not least, the High Priest of Gray Areas, the scariest of them all to anyone insisting that everything is strictly black or white!"
-- Another Way
"'Violence, when done properly, is a work of art' — Dmitry Shepkin."
-- Last Train Out
"My father ran that household with an iron fist! And we never really knew our neighbors, never mind getting along with them! With him, it was 'my way or the highway!'"
"No wonder you grew up to be such an asshole."
-- Lottery President
"To keep it interesting, I have procured someone clean and prepared him specially for you, my dear."
"Why him?"
"He insulted me."
"That's it? He insulted you, so now we ruin his life?"
"And why not? Now you turn him into your own little patsy. But remember, we will be expecting results. Failure is not an option."
-- Operation Detour
"I don't normally harass complete strangers, let alone pour my heart out to them. I'm probably still in shock. Not responsible for my actions, and all that."
-- Operation Detour
"You look different somehow. New haircut? Gain weight?"
-- Operation Detour
"Do you fly to Malaysia?"
"No, but Malaysian Air at the next window does."
-- Operation Detour
"Life! It's a smorgasbord! It's all there for the taking!"
-- Operation Detour
"He is going to want to have sex with you."
"Who doesn't?"
-- Operation Detour
"All the great military operations had memorable names: "Charge of the Light Brigade", "Operation Overlord." How about Operation Make Him Your Bitch or Operation Dimwit?"
-- Operation Detour
"I will put you and your boyfriend on The List if need be. Either you kill him or lock him up forever, or I send in someone else who can. Is that clear?"
-- Operation Detour
"You do that again, sunshine, and I will leave you dead on the floor."
-- Operation Detour
"If you saw someone crossing the street about to be hit by a car, would you: (a) Shout a warning; (b) Run for help; (c) Call the Police; or, (d) Just watch?"
"Just watch."
-- Temporary Insanity
"Where the Past meets the Future. In other words, the Present!"
-- The Lazy Pug Cafe
"It's not a tree's purpose in life to stand around being picturesque. Not this tree, at least. Maybe that weeping willow up front, or some of my old friends who were so ruthlessly cut down in their prime when this place was built, but a mighty oak like me, a real tree's purpose is to... uh... is to... um... what was I saying? Oh yeah, a tree's purpose is to sink its roots as deep into the ground as possible, take hold of the Earth, and keep it from going anywhere!"
-- The Lazy Pug Cafe

The Lazy Pug Cafe -- As recently as a few months ago, the Lazy Pug Café was nothing more than a dilapidated old two-story farmhouse. Set back just forty yards from the road – closer than most out in the country – it had a beautiful old weeping willow in front and a massive ancient oak tree out back. Abandoned years ago, the old estate's only purpose lately had been to serve as a sad but charming reminder of days gone by. Locals witnessing its resurrection these past few months were grateful someone was finally bringing the "old girl" back to life.