WILLIAM ARTHUR HOLMES


Profiles: Amazon | Apple Books | Barnes & Noble | GoodReads | Kobo | Smashwords

A random sample of dialogue from my work (refresh the page for a new sample)

"My system, for most of us, would mean less work. A lot less because, when it comes right down to it, all we really need is food, shelter and something to do."
"I thought all we need is love."
"I was referring to physical needs."
"So was I."
-- Another Way
"Not to brag, but my 144 IQ is well above average, not that I put much stock in IQ tests. Still, like any man with anything larger than average, I'm quite proud of that! High enough to feel good about myself. Low enough to keep me humble. Okay, maybe not so humble."
-- Another Way
"Remember Colonel Charonne? He's got a thing for you. Hates you. Keeps going on about 'stamping out The Red Menace' or some such. I've seen it before. You need to go away if you know what's good for you."
-- Another Way
"We are from beyond the Pleiades, in the eighth dimension...when we're not slumming it down here in the third and fourth dimensions."
-- Another Way
"So, I dreamt about an alien the other night. Probably no big surprise in these parts, eh? Anyway, his name was Semmy. Actually, he said his full name was — let me see if I can say it — Sematalanthoyop."
-- Another Way
"What are you doing?!"
"Aw, mom! Just let me finish the job! Those are the rules!"
"Those are not the rules."
-- Last Train Out
"Russia is like a matryoshka doll. You never know what you'll get."
-- Last Train Out
"I don't know who's worse, Democrats or Republicans. They're two sides of the same coin, if you ask me. I don't subscribe to the left-right dichotomy promulgated by the mainstream corporate media. It's all part of their 'divide and conquer' mentality."
-- Lottery President
"Instead of voting for the person they like best, they vote for the one they think they have to vote for so the other one doesn't win. The reason an otherwise good candidate has 'no chance' is because the media decided ahead of time they had no chance, and the uninformed, apathetic voters go along with it!"
-- Lottery President
"What is it about Dallas and assassinations? Is that what they do around here for fun? We should hire some bodyguards."
-- Lottery President
"You're not much of a politician."
"Thanks! That's my best quality."
-- Lottery President
"You look different somehow. New haircut? Gain weight?"
-- Operation Detour
"He is going to want to have sex with you."
"Who doesn't?"
-- Operation Detour
"What? You don't like umbrella drinks?"
-- Operation Detour
"There are an awful lot of monkeys around here."
-- Operation Detour
"Hasn't shown up for work yet? She borrowed my car! Where the hell is she?"
-- Temporary Insanity
"Do you ever hang out on Hollywood Boulevard?"
"Not as a rule, no."
-- Temporary Insanity
"It's not a tree's purpose in life to stand around being picturesque. Not this tree, at least. Maybe that weeping willow up front, or some of my old friends who were so ruthlessly cut down in their prime when this place was built, but a mighty oak like me, a real tree's purpose is to... uh... is to... um... what was I saying? Oh yeah, a tree's purpose is to sink its roots as deep into the ground as possible, take hold of the Earth, and keep it from going anywhere!"
-- The Lazy Pug Cafe
"Knock yourself out, but don't blame me when they hit you in the head with a frying pan."
-- The Lazy Pug Cafe
"The meaning of life is... yours to give."
-- The Lazy Pug Cafe

The Lazy Pug Cafe -- As recently as a few months ago, the Lazy Pug Café was nothing more than a dilapidated old two-story farmhouse. Set back just forty yards from the road – closer than most out in the country – it had a beautiful old weeping willow in front and a massive ancient oak tree out back. Abandoned years ago, the old estate's only purpose lately had been to serve as a sad but charming reminder of days gone by. Locals witnessing its resurrection these past few months were grateful someone was finally bringing the "old girl" back to life.