WILLIAM ARTHUR HOLMES


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A random sample of dialogue from my work (refresh the page for a new sample)

"That's right, I'm a conspiracy theorist. Sure, some scoff at the mere thought of conspiracy, but ask any detective, lawyer or judge — if you can find an honest one — and they'll tell you conspiracies happen all the time. From petty theft all the way up to rigging elections and global conquest. Pinky and the Brain are not the only ones trying to take over the world!"
-- Another Way
"So, where were we?"
"Nowhere."
-- Another Way
"Let me have her, just once, and I can die a happy man!"
-- Another Way
"Pokorny's still out there selling that tripe and it needs to stop. Now! I want him gone! No more messing around. You know what I'm saying?"
-- Another Way
"Any society with sayings like 'Winning isn't everything, it's the only thing' and 'Nice guys finish last' is one screwed-up culture."
-- Another Way
"Money is the root of all evil."
"I must be extra good, then, because I ain't got none!"
-- Another Way
"We have your daughter! Pay us one million dollars, or you will never see the girl again!"
-- Last Train Out
"I told you she was playing you!"
"Oh, honey, women have been 'playing' your father his entire life."
-- Last Train Out
"I'll buy a new house. Already bought a new car. Oh yeah... and I'll be running for president."
"President? Of what? Your homeowners association?"
-- Lottery President
"I was fired today. But wait, there's more! Coming home early, I caught my girlfriend and now-former best friend cheating on me... and filming it... in my bed. Turns out, they've been doing this for a while. Yeah."
-- Operation Detour
"You're going to shoot me now!?"
"It would make things a lot easier."
"It was not a suggestion!"
-- Operation Detour
"You do that again, sunshine, and I will leave you dead on the floor."
-- Operation Detour
"I don't normally harass complete strangers, let alone pour my heart out to them. I'm probably still in shock. Not responsible for my actions, and all that."
-- Operation Detour
"My girlfriends are always female."
-- Operation Detour
"Revenge, as they say... Oh, who cares what they say."
-- Operation Detour
"Do I look like a shoplifter?"
"Kinda. Yeah."
-- Operation Detour
"Release the American!"
"Which one?"
"The patsy."
"Which patsy?"
"The 'terrorist' from last night!"
-- Operation Detour
"I'm going to blow up the building."
"Yeah, I heard.'"
-- Temporary Insanity
"How should I know? Do I look like I speak tree?"
-- The Lazy Pug Cafe
"It's not a tree's purpose in life to stand around being picturesque. Not this tree, at least. Maybe that weeping willow up front, or some of my old friends who were so ruthlessly cut down in their prime when this place was built, but a mighty oak like me, a real tree's purpose is to... uh... is to... um... what was I saying? Oh yeah, a tree's purpose is to sink its roots as deep into the ground as possible, take hold of the Earth, and keep it from going anywhere!"
-- The Lazy Pug Cafe

The Lazy Pug Cafe -- As recently as a few months ago, the Lazy Pug Café was nothing more than a dilapidated old two-story farmhouse. Set back just forty yards from the road – closer than most out in the country – it had a beautiful old weeping willow in front and a massive ancient oak tree out back. Abandoned years ago, the old estate's only purpose lately had been to serve as a sad but charming reminder of days gone by. Locals witnessing its resurrection these past few months were grateful someone was finally bringing the "old girl" back to life.